Batman vs. Iron Man

It’s fight night again.

All told, the two major comic book companies have more in common that most anyone really wants to admit. So, the fight continues to burn.

And frankly, either company generally has a major character that shares significant characteristics with a character from the other.

Take, for instance, Batman and Iron Man.

One is man of science who has trained and studied to achieve his goals despite his tortured past, and the other is a billionaire who inherited his fortunes from parents he barely knew.

One uses high tech weapons, years of training, and superior intellect to battle the evil-doers that surround him, while the other works closely with a network of kindred spirits in costume to bring down threats that one man alone can’t handle.

One has a fancy butler who looks out for him, and the other has a really cool costume that strikes fear into the hearts of villains.

One is… super rich and the other is…..

alright.

This is harder than I thought.

The fact is, when you compare the two, clearly there are a lot of similarities. How easy is it to pick the one I am speaking about first, Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark. If you ask me, terribly hard because I don’t even know.

Wayne is smart, handsome and rich. He didn’t know his parents well because they died when he was young. He doesn’t care much about what others think about him, but funds all sorts of community projects to help his fellow city dwellers. He fashioned a costume and successfully manufactured his powers in an effort to fight crime and avenge his father’s dead.

Stark, on the other hand, is smart, handsome and rich. He didn’t know his father well because he was too busy working while he was young. He doesn’t care much about what others think about him, but funds all sorts of community projects to help his fellow city dwellers. He fashioned a costume and successfully manufactured his powers in an effort to fight evil and make his father proud.

See? Is that so hard?

Of course, there are big differences. Batman can’t “fly” like Iron Man, he can just fall with style. Tony Stark doesn’t care if people know his identity where as Bruce keeps his hidden.

One looks like a bat and the other looks like a robot.

Now, the time comes when we have to pit the two together in a battle. Naturally. That’s what you all expect.

Frankly, I don’t know who would win. One was one of my favorites as a child, with my love being rekindled by the recent string of big-budget, well-written, and astoundingly realistic (given the subject matter) movies, and the other has…

damn. Did it again.

I can’t find the difference there, either.

As also, though, I will say that one actually is my favorite and the other…

well, that’s another 500 words.

ghjr

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This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thank you Lisa. More than you understand.

I know you have been a big fan of the movies as well, and we do talk about them a lot.

I wish I had 5000 words for this one. I could have made it last that long.

But, on this, the eve of “The Dark Knight Rises,” I have many more things to worry about than my writing.

Deshay Basara.

The Fire Rises.

Truly ghjr

Dane Cook

I like to think that I have learned how to refine my hatred over the years, and even over the course of this semiweekly blog.

As I take a look back to the first post, I can see a young man with a chip on his shoulder and a deep hatred of almost anything that has to do with vampires, especially the recent vampire fad.

Now, almost 100 posts end, nearing a 50,000 word blog capable of being considered a novel, I have refined my hatred of things to a powder finer than that stuff on the outside of Sour Patch Kids.

I can sprinkle it on any old plate of hateful Swedish Fish and make it a sour delight that’s all the more palatable.

So, bear with me as I fight to keep this maple syrup trough full of rage towards Dane Cook from getting too hot, keeping it well within the temperature range to deliver you, the reader, a crisp candied crunchable and NOT malformed, raging anus of burnt, charred hate-syrup.

After all, that’ll ruin your love pancakes.

Dane Cook is simply not funny.

He’s one of those “comedians” that gets on the stage, throws a bit of water onto himself and makes annoying sounds in an effort to win the audience over. And yes, I’m referencing the bit in which he mimics the alien of Ridley Scott’s Alien. He pours his bottle of water on his face, high steps around the stage and breaths loudly into the microphone for a few minutes.

That’s the entire joke.

Now, some of you may be wondering how I know this.

I’ll tell you right now, I couldn’t bring myself to do any research for this post. I love to write these things, but not enough to willingly subject myself to his brand of performance.

No, friends. I have encountered Dane Cook’s stand-up routines on more than one occasion. I’ve had very good friends who became borderline obsessed with him at times, and I even dated a girl who enjoyed his “comedy.”

Refer to this post from a few weeks ago if you need further explanation as to why that matters.

Also, I’ve been unfortunate enough to see a few of his movies.

Lisa is a huge fan of the cinematic monstrosity Employee of the Month, and I’ve had the disgraceful dishonor of watching it at least twice now.

Unfortunately, he is still running around, trying to be funny, a feat that doesn’t come easily for him.

Also, he somehow ends up getting the girl at the end, but that really doesn’t matter because it’s Jessica Simpson. She’s stupid enough to laugh at him.

The only movie I found him palatable in was Dan in Real Life. Perhaps it is because he wasn’t trying to be funny.

He should continue that. God knows he’s not good at making people laugh anyway.

ghjr

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This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Lisa Hostuttler for being so sexy, but curses to you for making me write this!

You know Dane Cook is one of those people whose name just makes me cringe.

The thought of that bastard still being on TV is enough to make me puke.

Truly ghjr

Nicolas Cage

It’s not a secret that I have a few ::AHEM::… unhealthy obsessions with a few dashing leading men from the talking pictures.

Samuel L. Jackson has always been one of my favorites, even though he basically plays himself in all of his movies. You’d think that would get old. I mean, it does if it’s someone like Ryan Reynolds or Dane Cook, but that’s a different 500 words.

Liam Neeson is another one. He just throat-punches all day long, and I’m fine with that.

Adam West will always have my heart in a totally heterosexual way. He’s way too amazing to pass up.

But, the man that has quickly shot to the top of my list is none other than Castor Troy himself, the man who escape Hell for a baby and rode a flaming motorcycle most of the way home…

Nicolas Cage.

Cage is one of those actors that draws me to a movie just knowing that he is in it. Seriously. I’ve watched plenty of movies just because I know Rage Cage will make an appearance.

And it’s not because I know they will be quality movies. Quite the opposite.

Anymore, I know that if Cage is on screen, it’s more than likely going to be an over-the-top, under-written, mad dash of insanity that won’t bring much quality but will be a hell of a fun ride.

That’s what his movies are all about.

Think back. Name three “good” movies that Cage starred in.

“Raising Arizona”? “Leaving Las Vegas”?

Is that it?

Well, those are old hat, brother. Not saying that those are bad movies. On the contrary, those are some of his “best.”

Now… let’s name some bad ones.

“Ghost Rider”. “Knowing”. “Drive Angry”. “Sorcerer’s Apprentice”. One of my personal favorites: “Vampire’s Kiss.”

These are movies that are so bad, I sometimes have to watch them over and over to fully appreciate the extent of the horrible ridiculousness.

Whether it’s Milton’s ridiculous sex scene/gun fight or Peter Loew’s angry rant about filing things in alphabetical order, Nicolas Cage is just one of those over-the-top actors that polarizes audiences everywhere into a “Love Cage/Hate Cage” dichotomy.

Clearly, I’m balls deep in the Love Cage crew.

Honestly, with stuff like “The Wicker Man,” how can’t I be? The scene in which Cage punches tons of old women for almost no reason is just way too alluring.

Not to mention the infamous “BEES!” part.

Cage is the man that spawned a hundred memes, a title fit only for a king of insanity.

With that title, it’s safe to say Nicolas Cage isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

And that’s a good thing. Really.

It won’t do us any good to get rid of him. Remember his famous quote from the end of the critically-“acclaimed” “Wicker Man”:

“Killing me won’t bring back your goddamn honey!”

ghjr

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This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to fellow Nicolas Cage fan Ashton Cutright for this one.

I know now of it comes as a surprise to any of you.

Rage Cage is just one of those guys that can be in anything and I’ll watch.

I mean, I’ve seen “Knowing” twice. Case closed.

Truly ghjr