Archive for July, 2012

Why The Sky Is Blue

July 30, 2012

Long ago, when the Universe was still young and the Earth was indeed younger still, primitive men trampled across the open plains in such of food and shelter. They had long before ventured from their caves into the flat lands, leaving behind centuries of now-forgotten ritual and history.

As he tramped the grass underfoot, primitive man looked at the flora that surrounded him. He saw the deep greens of springtime, the dark browns of the healthy tree trunks, the beautiful rainbow of flowers and animals that inhabited the lands.

But when primitive man looked to the sky, he saw nothing about blackness. No color to enjoy like the rest of the land.

In his primitive heart, he knew this would not do.

Why would everything underneath him and around him look so beautiful, so pleasing to his primitive senses, while the sky above his head suffered a dark and drab fate of inky blackness?

But, this was not a concern until he had shelter and meat for his family.

The days passed, and primitive man found a site suitable for a new shelter. He built in the shadow of a high mountain, one with brooks flowing down the side. It would be a source of fresh water and plentiful fish.

But as he filled his primitive house was dried meats, clay canisters of grain, small weapons for hunting, he found himself looking again to the heavens.

At night, the blackness was pockmarked by tiny thimblefuls of faraway light like fireflies that would never touch the ground, being constantly held by the thin web of some monstrous, undetectable spider.

By day, the black sky was crossed by a larger ball of white light, hacking its way through the darkness but never succeeding at keeping it at bay.

Man thought again of the unfairness of blackened sky and decided he would do something about it.

Packing a primitive satchel with enough cured meats for a week’s journey, Man grabbed a waterskin made from the dried stomach of one of his earlier meals. He trapped as much clean water as he could inside, knowing it may not be in such ready supply as he ascended the mountain near his shelter.

He climbed.

He climbed for days, not stopping to sleep.

Barely eating, barely resting, he climbed.

After months, he reached the top.

His food had run out long before, but his belly burned for something greater now. He wanted to change the sky.

As Man stood out onto the largest cliff on the highest crag on the mountain, he shouted to the heavens. What he shouted was not important. The Gods wouldn’t have understood either way.

But They looked down to see Man shout from the highest mountain and saw fit to reward him for his journey.

As Man turned to descend once again, he noticed the sky become ever so brighter, ever so bluer.

He felt the ball of light shine on his face. All was right with his world.

ghjr

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This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thank you, Daniel Bollinger, for another challenge that let me spread my wings.

This is the best I have felt after writing a post in a long time.

And to think, I made it all the way through without talking about poop, sex or nerd stuff.

Mark this one on a calendar.

Truly ghjr

The Mass Effect Series (No Spoilers)

July 27, 2012

Since the 1980’s, the love and popularity of video games and other virtual modes of entertainment have been on the rise. Game consoles have become some of the finest pieces of consumer technology on the market.

Consoles can now replicate graphics much better than many feature films and are readily available for just a couple hundred dollars.

Throughout the years, many video games have held the title of Most Popular (For The Time Being). Like Halo.

Or Viva Pinata.

So, naturally, we can pinpoint the Most Popular Video Game (For The Time Being) at this very moment, and I’ve got a hunch that it isn’t Skyrim anymore.

And sadly, it’s not Arkham City either.

I’d put my money on Mass Effect.

Mass Effect is arguably the biggest video game of right now, unless you aren’t reading this right now. If so, know it was pretty big right now, ok? Pinkie swear?

Good.

Without delving into too much detail (partially to avoid massive spoilers, partially because I’ve never played the games), the basic story line is as follows:

The player (i.e. YOU) designs their own Commander Shepard and spends three games battling robots called Reapers. Every single choice has consequences that last throughout the entire series, so choose wisely.

That’s it, but from my understanding, it’s fairly wide open. The choices number near infinite (which is an exaggeration of mammoth proportions) and the story line is being hailed by some as “The Greatest Thing That Has Ever Happened Since Ever!” (NOTE: Not a direct quote.)

So, there you have it. Great video game. Great stuff. Done.

Oh, but wait.

That’s not all, is it?

Shoot.

I guess I’d be remiss if I talked about the ENTIRE Mass Effect series without mentioning the few phone spin-off games, the four novels, an upcoming anime series and the at least half dozen comic book series that work their ways into and out of the video game story lines.

Again, I’ve never had contact with these, but from my understanding, they are a hell of a read and fill in some of the gaps that may or may not be missing from the video games.

Is that enough for not even a decade of life and devoted fan bases?

No? Alright. I’ll do you one better then.

In the storm of fanship following the release of Mass Effect 2, Warner Bros. purchased the movie options to the Mass Effect name.

That’s right… Mass Effect movie.

The writers and company haven’t released details yet, but they keep saying it won’t follow the video game story line. It’ll feature a whole new story.

I’d like to think it’ll capitalize on the sexual subplot of the first game that caused such a ruckus. Maybe it’ll be a porno, right?

Ass Effect, perhaps.

Either way, it’ll end exactly how the third game ends:

Rocks fall. Everyone dies.

ghjr

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This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Daniel Bollinger for providing me with one that will help my research abilities. It’ll be the first in a line of posts that do just that.

Also, I’d like to apologize for the joke I had to cut to make the length. It was another, much more vulgar fake porno name.

First one to guess it in the comments gets a kiss.

Go.

Truly ghjr

Nancy Grace

July 23, 2012

I feel like there is no good way to start this post. I used my good spiel about refining my hatred over the years at the beginning of the post about Dane Cook, someone who is far less worthy of such a monologue than the subject of my hatred for today.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you someone who is not only the problem with America, but is possibly one of those helming the entire Shitship as it bulldozes through the 24-hour News Cycle and into every aspect of our lives.

Ladies and gentlemen… Nancy Grace.

Please, hold your applause, or more realistically… fecal projectiles.

Yes, reader, the vile subject of arrow is the one and only Queen Bitch of News Media. The one who openly mocks those on her show and makes them feel like the putrid sludge that she inaccurately claims not to be. The one dismisses others as bad parents but admits to cracking open a couple of beers while watching her infant children.

The one who was so repulsive to an interviewee that the girl actually took her own life afterward.

That’s the one and only Nancy Grace.

My hatred for this sorry excuse for a sack of meat is thick and moldy enough to dip my favorite hot wings into, but instead of containing the creamy, soothing quality of that delicious dip, she burns my ass more than the wings ever could.

She is the saddest sort of media talking head, so sorry that I can’t even use the word “journalist” in a sarcastic way. I wouldn’t dare let the word and her name escape my lips, pen or keyboard in the same sentence.

I have a problem with any person delivering the “news” by making swift judgments of others and interjecting their “valued opinion” into ever sentence, especially one that is of such a finely honed “Christian” variety.

I recall an incident on her show. I don’t remember who was on the show or what they were talking about, but I remember the interviewee fumbled on a few words. It honestly sounded like he was a bit of a stutterer.

Nancy degraded him for his dumb tongue in every way short of yelling “t-t-t-t-TODAY, Junior!”

This is not a woman who should be at the helm of any TV show. Period.

However, she has been knocked down a peg or two.

I recall her infamous “wardrobe malfunction” on the set of whichever show about dancing it was. And the incident on her own show in which one of the switchboard girls, Elizabeth, went rogue and put videos of animals having sex on the screen in the place of Nancy’s face.

A far more appealing sight, honestly. Brings less bile to my gullet.

So, what have we accomplished? Not much. I hate Nancy Grace. End of story.

And honestly, how can’t I hate a woman who caused a preacher to audibly curse in front of me?

True story.

ghjr

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This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Lisa Hostuttler for along my member of veiny hatred to again afront your virginal minds.

More and more, she is tricking me into posts I wouldn’t normally want, but they honestly just give me a venue to spout some steam.

It helps, especially since they cancelled The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Truly ghjr