Dane Cook

July 16, 2012

I like to think that I have learned how to refine my hatred over the years, and even over the course of this semiweekly blog.

As I take a look back to the first post, I can see a young man with a chip on his shoulder and a deep hatred of almost anything that has to do with vampires, especially the recent vampire fad.

Now, almost 100 posts end, nearing a 50,000 word blog capable of being considered a novel, I have refined my hatred of things to a powder finer than that stuff on the outside of Sour Patch Kids.

I can sprinkle it on any old plate of hateful Swedish Fish and make it a sour delight that’s all the more palatable.

So, bear with me as I fight to keep this maple syrup trough full of rage towards Dane Cook from getting too hot, keeping it well within the temperature range to deliver you, the reader, a crisp candied crunchable and NOT malformed, raging anus of burnt, charred hate-syrup.

After all, that’ll ruin your love pancakes.

Dane Cook is simply not funny.

He’s one of those “comedians” that gets on the stage, throws a bit of water onto himself and makes annoying sounds in an effort to win the audience over. And yes, I’m referencing the bit in which he mimics the alien of Ridley Scott’s Alien. He pours his bottle of water on his face, high steps around the stage and breaths loudly into the microphone for a few minutes.

That’s the entire joke.

Now, some of you may be wondering how I know this.

I’ll tell you right now, I couldn’t bring myself to do any research for this post. I love to write these things, but not enough to willingly subject myself to his brand of performance.

No, friends. I have encountered Dane Cook’s stand-up routines on more than one occasion. I’ve had very good friends who became borderline obsessed with him at times, and I even dated a girl who enjoyed his “comedy.”

Refer to this post from a few weeks ago if you need further explanation as to why that matters.

Also, I’ve been unfortunate enough to see a few of his movies.

Lisa is a huge fan of the cinematic monstrosity Employee of the Month, and I’ve had the disgraceful dishonor of watching it at least twice now.

Unfortunately, he is still running around, trying to be funny, a feat that doesn’t come easily for him.

Also, he somehow ends up getting the girl at the end, but that really doesn’t matter because it’s Jessica Simpson. She’s stupid enough to laugh at him.

The only movie I found him palatable in was Dan in Real Life. Perhaps it is because he wasn’t trying to be funny.

He should continue that. God knows he’s not good at making people laugh anyway.



This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Lisa Hostuttler for being so sexy, but curses to you for making me write this!

You know Dane Cook is one of those people whose name just makes me cringe.

The thought of that bastard still being on TV is enough to make me puke.

Truly ghjr


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