Archive for October, 2011

Zombies (Guest Piece by Marlon Brumage II)

October 31, 2011

I am not one to plan for the unlikely. I’m not thinking about the rapture. I’m not planning on any tax audits in the near future. But, for some reason, I have made mental plans for the zombie apocalypse.

Already I bet you’re about to call my bluff. But, I can guarantee that I mean business. With that being said, I am not ready to divulge my plans – ever! Why? The key to surviving is the mentality that it is every man for himself and I’m not helping your ass. Explaining my reason to fear the zombie apocalypse, however, I will indulge you.

In this world, when you die, you are supposed to stay dead. But, with zombies, that goes out the window. To me, there would be nothing more frightening or saddening than seeing my grandma lust after me as some undead, flesh hungry banshee. But, you can bet your left nipple that I’d beat her back to the Underworld with the thwack of my machete.

(That’s in my zombie plan, but that action should be quite logical! It should be in your plan, too. No emotions. Grandma must die again!)

When making my survival plan, the zombies themselves are the least of my concerns. On shows like The Walking Dead, the main danger is not the slow walking fart machines, it is the survivors you encounter that cause the most headaches.

I can’t establish a farm in the country to grow food. I can’t stockpile supplies in my basement. I can’t even light a fire without the noses of vile survivors smelling me out from miles around.

In the world of the living dead, I’d take the dead over the living any day. Why? Because the intention of the zombie is quite clear. It won’t befriend you and betray you. It will simply attempt to eat you. That will become the only universal constant in a world devoid of any form of society and structure. In other words, it is in zombies I trust. All others can chew on a shotgun barrel.

But, I will let you have that one.

The key to surviving is outsurviving the survivors. Don’t be afraid of popping one right between their eyes if needs be. That could be your friends I’m talking about or even your family. How you discern who can live and who can die, that will be up to you to decide. I’ve already said too much and will probably kick myself for this later on. But, on this subject, I am dead serious. If you were to cross me, you’d be seriously dead.

You can believe that, fool.

You may be laughing at me now, but I’ll be laughing at you when I drive by in my diesel Jeep as you’re being chewed in half by your high school girlfriend and her jock boyfriend…

Shit, did I write that down? Disregard the talk about the Jeep. I’ll be driving an unleaded only vehicle. UNLEADED ONLY!

Write that down.

Rev. Marlon Brumage II

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This is not included in the 500 word limit.

I wanna thank Bossman Hayhurst for letting me write on zombies. Let me tell you, this thing is harder than it seems. All this time I was thinking, “Bah, this is gonna be easy!” But, I was caught with my size 13 in my mouth.

There is so much I can write on zombies and there are so many different posts I could make. The problem was figuring out where to start. I hope you all enjoyed it. Hopefully I’ll do this again sometime soon.

So until next time, keep your head up, your gun close and don’t try to take any of my supplies. Seriously

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Halloween

October 28, 2011

Most kids like Christmas. They like the idea of a jolly fat man slipping down the chimney and leaving toys and candy. Why does he do it? No real reason. Apparently, Santa was just super happy about Jesus and decided to spread the love… by breaking and entering.

The fat kids loved Thanksgiving. The girls loved Valentine’s Day.

The Jews loved… actually, I have heard bad things about Jewish holidays.

As for me, Halloween has always been my favorite holiday.

I never could put my finger on the reason why. Maybe it’s because I watched Poltergeist when I was 6 and have been hooked on horror movies and slasher flicks ever since. Of course, it may be because I find the world a tiring place and can no longer bring myself to put on my metaphorical mask, a mask that keeps the world from seeing the true me: a scared, deranged little boy who can’t feel or love. Instead, I take solace in the habitual and ritualistic wearing of literal masks to hide their actual faces.

Or… maybe I just like candy. Who knows?

Either way, I love Halloween. I make a point to hang bleeding body parts from trees and clotheslines, line the porch with blood-crusted butcher knives and plant dozens of headstones throughout the yard.

I watch every horror movie I can. I buy the makings for three or four costumes, knowing full well that I will wear every single one. I eat every piece of candy in the house (expect candy corn. Gross.) and then buy more bits of costumes so they will fit after the 10 lb. Halloween candy weight gain.

And yes, some people don’t do things the same way. Some people like to put Halloween down, saying that it glorifies Evil and should not be celebrated. Fine. Do what you want.

More candy for me, right?

Plus, I wouldn’t really call it “Evil,” or even “evil.” At this point in life, you should understand the difference between the two, and Halloween is neither.

I mean… the only people that try to put Satanic rituals and godless heathenry into the same sentence as Halloween are the same fanatical Christians that believe Dungeons & Dragons leads to cutting the heads off of chickens in a dank basement and killing each other in the woods.

Now, that never happened to me. The only chickens I have killed were for dinner, and the only person I killed in the woods was a result of blackmail, not going mad and thinking he was a level 19 Beholder Eye Tyrant standing between me and the elf princess Nylthoth Grandtear.

Yeah. I’ve played before. Human rouge Asturias Boule. But… I’ve never killed anyone because of it.

Either way, no one dies on Halloween. No one puts razor blades into apples. And no one wraps a single piece of candy, fills it with anthrax and rewraps it. It just doesn’t happy.

So let loose, have a damn Milky Way and celebrate.

Happy Halloween, you little devils.

ghjr

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This is not included in the 500 word limit.

No one proposed this as a challenge. I took the liberty of writing about Halloween since I love it so much. You probably know that now that you’ve read this.

Of course, you are probably wondering why I didn’t post this on Monday, which is actually Halloween.

Well, my good friend Marlon Leroy Brumage II will have a guest post for that day. I’ll be in Orlando at a journalism conference for most of the week, and I wanted to extend a challenge to him in brotherly love and hateful competition.

Look out for that on Monday. It’s a doozy.

Truly ghjr

Being Trapped In A Hotel Room With A Rabid Conservative And Jesus Freak

October 24, 2011

I have no real problem with normal conservatives and Christians. They spew their ideas on their Facebook statuses or their tiny blogs, ones that may or may not be more insignificant than this one.

Dare I say they can’t stand up to my level of zazz and showmanship.

::crickets chirping for an exorbitant amount of time::

Either way, I can usually muster the strength to deal with these people.

In very small doses.

Now, if they identify with these ideals to the point of obsession, these people are a bit harder to deal with. Frankly, any person with a fanatical devotion to any party, ideal, religion, or dogma other than Star Wars is a little more than I can take.

I mean, I love Iron Chef America as much as the next guy. In fact, I am watching it right now. Battle Broccoli, mofos. But… I really can’t take anyone spewing out chef stats and lines of dialogue from their favorite episodes.

Maybe that’s why I don’t like football fans. Or football.

Or sports.

When fandom becomes fanatical, I become annoyed. It’s proportional.

So, of course dealing with rabid conservatives and Jesus freaks in everyday life is grating at best. And since these ideals typically go hand-in-hand and a large number of people in West Virginia continually fall into both categories, running into someone like that happens on a daily basis.

Especially while working in the service industry. Most of the students that waft into the bookstore are either high or too busy caring about what other people think of them, so I’m usually in the clear there.

I like to keep my distance. Even if I have similar feelings about a dogma (or about Dogma) that a fanatical fan does, the ‘fanatical’ part is usually enough to make me stay away.

Of course, sometimes you are trapped in a hotel room with one of these people.

Fortunately, it hasn’t happened to me yet. At least… that I can remember.

You’ve heard of the idea that, in times of duress or trauma, the brain can block out entire blocks of time? Like… if someone is raped and left for dead, they simply won’t remember it?

Maybe that’s it.

Either way, if I found myself in that situation, I have a definite plan.

1: Buy chloroform.

2: Use chloroform on everyone in the room, including myself.

3: Sweet, sweet solace.

Of course, I’d have to repeat that process once everyone woke up… if they ever woke up.

Yes, I imagined myself pulling a machete out of my hammerspace. Don’t judge me.

Now, I know it’s not the Zen Buddhist approach, but I’m not Zen Buddhist, and even if I were… I’m pretty sure Buddha doesn’t really get pissed off.

Just a hunch, you know.

I suppose a more practical (and legal) idea is to bring an iPod full of good music and a flask full of good grain alcohol. Apply the music to your ears. Saturate your soul with your spirits. Repeat as needed.

ghjr

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This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Tristram Salisbury for the challenge.

Like I said, I’ve never been in the situation, and I don’t think I will be any time soon, but I have a plan.

Maybe I’ll be drunk enough to throw up on my roommate before I pass out from chloroform fumes.

Maybe.

Truly ghjr.