The Mass Effect Series (No Spoilers)

July 27, 2012

Since the 1980’s, the love and popularity of video games and other virtual modes of entertainment have been on the rise. Game consoles have become some of the finest pieces of consumer technology on the market.

Consoles can now replicate graphics much better than many feature films and are readily available for just a couple hundred dollars.

Throughout the years, many video games have held the title of Most Popular (For The Time Being). Like Halo.

Or Viva Pinata.

So, naturally, we can pinpoint the Most Popular Video Game (For The Time Being) at this very moment, and I’ve got a hunch that it isn’t Skyrim anymore.

And sadly, it’s not Arkham City either.

I’d put my money on Mass Effect.

Mass Effect is arguably the biggest video game of right now, unless you aren’t reading this right now. If so, know it was pretty big right now, ok? Pinkie swear?


Without delving into too much detail (partially to avoid massive spoilers, partially because I’ve never played the games), the basic story line is as follows:

The player (i.e. YOU) designs their own Commander Shepard and spends three games battling robots called Reapers. Every single choice has consequences that last throughout the entire series, so choose wisely.

That’s it, but from my understanding, it’s fairly wide open. The choices number near infinite (which is an exaggeration of mammoth proportions) and the story line is being hailed by some as “The Greatest Thing That Has Ever Happened Since Ever!” (NOTE: Not a direct quote.)

So, there you have it. Great video game. Great stuff. Done.

Oh, but wait.

That’s not all, is it?


I guess I’d be remiss if I talked about the ENTIRE Mass Effect series without mentioning the few phone spin-off games, the four novels, an upcoming anime series and the at least half dozen comic book series that work their ways into and out of the video game story lines.

Again, I’ve never had contact with these, but from my understanding, they are a hell of a read and fill in some of the gaps that may or may not be missing from the video games.

Is that enough for not even a decade of life and devoted fan bases?

No? Alright. I’ll do you one better then.

In the storm of fanship following the release of Mass Effect 2, Warner Bros. purchased the movie options to the Mass Effect name.

That’s right… Mass Effect movie.

The writers and company haven’t released details yet, but they keep saying it won’t follow the video game story line. It’ll feature a whole new story.

I’d like to think it’ll capitalize on the sexual subplot of the first game that caused such a ruckus. Maybe it’ll be a porno, right?

Ass Effect, perhaps.

Either way, it’ll end exactly how the third game ends:

Rocks fall. Everyone dies.



This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Daniel Bollinger for providing me with one that will help my research abilities. It’ll be the first in a line of posts that do just that.

Also, I’d like to apologize for the joke I had to cut to make the length. It was another, much more vulgar fake porno name.

First one to guess it in the comments gets a kiss.


Truly ghjr


2 Responses to “The Mass Effect Series (No Spoilers)”

  1. Daniel Says:

    This was amazing! Good laugh! What’s your personal opinion of it? Really, you just need to get an X-Box… >_>

    Also, don’t be offended if I don’t compete for that kiss…but I’d probably like “Mass Erect(tion)” for such a title.

  2. ghjr Says:

    Yeah, I should get an x-box. Oh, well. Honestly, from what I read, it sounds like a game I’d enjoy. I love RPGs, and I love sci-fi, so mixing the two would be right up my alley.

    And honestly, I didn’t think of that one. But I like it!

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