The Happening

April 20, 2012

How is it that people only want to hear what I have to say about bad movies?

Is it because I’ve talked about Star Wars one too many times? Do my movie reviews for The Columns satiate your unquenchable thirsts for word of praise for truly great movies?

Perhaps I have written myself into this corner.

Alas, here I sit upon this warm bed that I share, night after night, with an equally warm woman and wonder what horrors I have committed. What wrongs have I done that require a punishment so severe as writing about Marky Mark’s terrifying performance in M. Night Shyamalan’s worst movie to date?

Forgive me, Marky, for I know not what I have done.

Writing about this is almost as bad as the movie itself.

And don’t sit here and try to tell me that it was meant to be bad. “Plan Nine From Outer Space” was meant to be bad. “Manos: Hands of Fate” was meant to be bad.

“The Happening” is just… saddeningly bad.

And yes, I saw it. Once. I was at the midnight premiere, as I often am. For some reason, I had somewhat high hopes for the movie.

I mean, I knew it was a Shyamalan movie, but I thought it was a cool idea. You know… people randomly turning on themselves and mindlessly throwing themselves off of construction scaffolds or jabbing knitting needles into their necks, all the while remaining stone-faced until well past their heart stops pumping.

I’m always up for mindless, pointless killing. You all should know that.

But, something about it drove me away.

Well, everything about it, I suppose.

The acting was atrocious, as was the writing, but that’s usually something I can look past if the action, death and other factors are strong enough.

Of course, they weren’t.

And the fact that Marky Mark was running around, yelling that the trees were making people kill themselves was pretty annoying. Also, the fact that he turned out to be right all along and that the trees were actually release some weird pollen that made people act the way they were acting was a pretty big bummer.

Shyamalan is pretty famous for his big twist endings. Some were better than others, but at least all of his other movies had twists.

I suppose the twist ending of this one was that there was no twist ending. Sort of a meta-twist, if you want to take that route.

All in all, Marky Mark disappointed me more in “The Happening” than he did when he ripped off Lou Reed for his 1991 album Music for the People. 

I mean, the highlight was the phrase, “All right. Be scientific, douche bag.” Naturally, he was talking to himself.

That’s really the only thing Marky Mark has ever said that I agree with.

All around, bad stuff. Shyamalan let me down more than usual this time. I mean… cheese and crackers!

ghjr

———————————————————

 

This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Jimmy Halpenny for making relive the pain of “The Happening.”

The other thing worse is the fact that the beautiful woman I am seeing, the love of my life, the apple of my eye Lisa Hostuttler is actually a big fan of the movie.

But, no one said she had good taste in movies. Just men.

Whoa.

Truly ghjr

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