March 23, 2012

Welcome. Have a seat, won’t you?

Oh. How silly of me. Of course you are already sitting.

Would you like a drink? I have a fine assortment of aged scotches, if you are interest. On the rocks, perhaps?

Three cubes?

Why don’t you retrieve your pipe from… well, wherever it is that you keep it when you travel. Left inside breast pocket? No, it’s not a good guess. It’s just the proper place to carry it.

No, no. I have some fine imported Peruvian tobacco leaves that I am willing to share. Here’s a cleaner and my tobacco bag.

Nonsense. Be generous with it. Take as much as you need, but don’t pack it too tightly. You know it will be the Devil to keep it lit if you pack it too tightly.

Are we all settled in now? Good. I have something to show you.

No, please. Stay seated. I’ll fetch it and bring it here for you.

Just a moment now.

I would love for you to try to on. Yes, it is real silk, hand crafted by the tiniest Asian fingers money can buy. From what I understand, the silk worms are from the area surrounding the Yangtze River. Each worm is bottle-fed unfiltered wildebeest milk and fed exactly 1.3 grams of genuine Dutch tulip petals each day.

The silk is gathered by teenage lepers who have been blinded with a rusty spoon, seeing as they are not worthy to look upon the fine silk before it is woven into the sheets of fabric.

Actually, there are many people jumping at the opportunity. You just don’t walk into a restaurant and get a job as the maitre d’ if you are leprous. It’s probably the most lucrative job a leper can have.

Well, go ahead. Put it on. See how it fits.

Oh, the lining? It’s real velour.

Let yourself go. Feel the velour on your skin.

No, I’m not sure where the lining comes from.

You caught me. I don’t know how velour is made. You brash devil.

Do you like it? Good. Smoke. Drink. Enjoy it for a while.

Yes, it does match mine. Perfectly. I bought two for myself long ago, but I’m not getting any younger, and I wanted to share this fine gift with someone before my time on this world is over.

No, no. I don’t have any health problems. Why would I? I smoke fine tobacco and drink aged scotch everyday. What bad could come of that?

I just want you to have this robe. No catch. My time on this world has been long. I have enjoyed all the finer things. I just want to pass that along to a young buck such as yourself.

You have many women to love and many drinks to drink. Be careful if you do either in that robe.

Stains don’t come out of silk.




This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Sam Jones for this one.

I had a ton of fun with it. Honestly, I felt like Ron Burgundy most of the time I was writing.

Of course, in this house full of leather-bound books, it’s hard not to feel like him sometimes.


Truly ghjr


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