Upside-Down Sex

March 2, 2012

Well… here we are again.

I’ve ended up getting myself into yet another predicament. The same evil submitter decided to throw things my way that not only would make for embarrassing, disgusting, or perverted posts, but frankly…

I have no clue what the hell “upside-down sex” means.

I have my thoughts. That’s what you’ll read soon.

Regardless, I approached the subject much like I do almost any other:

I Googled it.

Just to make sure there wasn’t some sort of underlying innuendo or annoying fresh trend that it dealt with. I have to stay on top of my game, after all.

Turns out, no. There isn’t.

Just pictures of people having sex upside-down.

After about an hour or two of… ::AHEM:: “research”, I finally found something that I thought might help.

Pulling up the Cosmo website, I was greeted with a sex cartoon and the banner “SEX CHALLENGE: 77 Positions in 77 Days.”

After about a minute of reading, Lisa looked over my shoulder, and stated, as angrily as it was matter-or-factly:

“NO!”

You can understand how much I had to laugh after that.

Turns out, she thought I was looking up sex positions with the idea of… well, exactly what the title said.

I assured her that, while it was an interesting undertaking, I was simply trying to decipher the term “upside-down sex.”

She was relieved.

Frankly, neither of us could handle most of those anyway. I’m too fat, and she’s too old.

C’est la vie.

Either way, I had a good time reading some of the positions Cosmo bloggers thought were good to try. Honestly, most of them looked dangerous.

I can only imagine putting a women’s full weight on the back of her neck while you… how do I put this gently?

“Bang the bottom out of her barrel.”

Something about it just doesn’t seem safe.

So, in my quest to fully understand upside-down sex, I came upon the idea that it must be what Spiderman does.

Think about it. Mary Jane likes it when he hangs upside-down in a rainy alleyway and makes out with her. Why wouldn’t she like him to rip the crotch out of his leotard, drop down a couple more feet and sling a little web of his own, if you know what I mean.

You don’t?

It’s a double entendre. “Web” means both his Spiderman webbing that he shoots from his wrists and his Spiderman semen that he shoots from…

well, you know.

All in all, I would assume any kind of upside-down sex would be dangerous.

Even if you just lay on the bed sideways and dangle your head and arms over the side of the bed towards the floor while whoever is on top does whatever they like to do while they are on top.

Of course, there’s always a chance you could slip. I should know…

but that’s another 500 words.

ghjr

————————————————————————————–

This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Ashton Cutright for this gem.

Talk about self-censorship.

You get to read the things that I decided to leave in. Imagine the stuff that I cut from the final post.

Truly ghjr

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