Manuary, Pt. 3: Morning Wood

January 27, 2012

The glorious privilege of manhood is an experience. The road to becoming a man is paved with some unpleasantries, like beard itch, ball pain and prostate exams.

Aside from those, manhood is pretty good.

I know this crazy little thing that I love to call “MANuary!” seems to have a record of being about the unpleasant things. Some would say that the nearly ever-present morning wood is one.

I’m here to say different.

The so-called “morning wood” is the sign of a man and a symbol of every man represents: strength, endurance, stubbornness and libido.



Look me in the eye and tell me that those erections aren’t the biggest and strongest ones that you’ve had. Frankly, they should be.

Fueled by hours of intimate, intriguing and sometimes intimidating sex dreams that we all experience. Yes, sometimes the dream is confusing, and sometimes the fact that the confusing dream was arousing is even more confusing.

Doesn’t matter. They are boner fuel, and sometimes they are grand enough to push you off of your stomach in the morning.



You guys already know about this one.

You can’t even pee with one of these things.

Sometimes, it’s so persistent that you have to ::AHEM::…

“take care” of it in the morning.

Don’t be ashamed, gentlemen. It happens to the best of us.




Sometimes, you have to “take care” of it more than once.

Enough said.



Some men are ashamed of their erections. I’ve never been able to figure this one out.

It’s a display of libido, of young blood pumping through the heart and to places beyond.

Namely, the penis.

Seriously. Nothing says “manly” like pitching a tent in the bed sheets. Isn’t that what Viagra is about?

I don’t know. I’m 23, so I don’t need pills yet.

Now, there are some situations in which morning wood can get you into trouble and cause a lifetime of embarrassment.

1. Many young men still live with Mom and Dad. It happens. I’m not here to judge.

If Mom sneaks into the bedroom to put some socks away and you’ve got your flag at full staff, that might be awkward.

If she sees it through the comforter, that’s definitely awkward.

If she likes it… well, I’ll include the number for Jerry Springer at the end of this post.

2. If you fall asleep in some sort of social situation (school, friend’s house, bar, museum) and your Henry Wadsworth Longfellow thinks it’s morning, look up.

But, maybe the cute girl next to you in History class well see and give you her number.

Probably not. She’ll probably embarass you in front of her friends.

Regardless, cheers, men.

Enjoy manhood.

Celebrate your boners. They are God’s thumbs up.

After all, all the Christians say we are the hands of God, and we all know what part of us is the thumb.




This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Tristram Salisbury, who knows a thing or two about morning wood, for asking to hear what I have to say about morning wood.

It turns out that I have used “morning wood” more in this post than I have in the past 10 years.

Don’t let that sentence fool you, ladies. I use my personal morning wood every chance I get.


Truly ghjr



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