Manuary, Pt. 2: Beard Itch

January 23, 2012

Men everywhere (and certain women, but that’s another 500 words) are walking around God’s beautiful Earth in His glorious, bearded image.

I have always considered myself lucky to be one of these men.

Yes, my beard is just a little on the patchy side these days, and it’s definitely not the same color as the hair on my head or other places. I blame my father for that.

I’ve only seen one picture of that man with a beard, but it’s exactly like mine: oddly reddish and sticks out ridiculously far from the face.

Also, I’d rather inherit the Hayhurst beard than the Hayhurst nose or the Hayhurst ears. Trust me.

But, every once in a great while, I run into some snag in my life and I am forced to shave my beard.

I’ll admit, I’ve only done a clean shave 3 times since I started working on this beauty, and those were only in matters of great importance.

Of course, by that, I mean it was for Halloween costumes.

It’s a bit of an event, you know? To cut a beard that you’ve had for what seems like your whole life is almost a traumatic experience. The pull and tug of the razor on pale, perpetually stubbled skin is like a gash against the heart.

Each swipe is enough to wreck a lesser man.

And by the time you have finished, it seems like a hundred civilizations have raised from dirt and passed away, returning to the dust from whence they were raised.

To steal from Kurt Vonnegut, “Lucky me. Lucky mud.”

Shaving is almost like getting a tattoo. Follow me now.

There’s a bit of pain and burning when the sharp, metal implement is being dragged across the flesh.

Perhaps a bit of blood here and there, but usually nothing serious.

And as the skin turns less red and heals from the experience, something happens.

The pain fades into something far worse.


Now, you and I both know that if you start scratching, two things will happen.

ONE: It will never be satiated. It will simply continue to itch. That’s just how it goes.

TWO: It will hurt you more than any pain that sharp, metal implement could ever cause you.

Now, perhaps there is a reason for this.

For those of you that haven’t blessed your bodies with the addition of ink, I’ve got some news for you.

They shave you beforehand.

So, after a day or so of healing and well before the peeling, the fine hairs begin to grow back in, and it itches and burns.

Now, imagine that the hairs aren’t so fine. They are basically one step up from pubes.

And now, instead of growing back on your ankle, forearm or tramp stamp area, imagine the hairs burst through the follicles on your face.

Beard itch simply feels much more like lighting your face on fire.





This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Ashton Cutright for this, Part the Second of the Glorious Celebrate of Sweat, Swearing and Semen: MANUARY!

I figured you ladies would be able to connect with the tattoo metaphor since I know most of my female readers are tattooed.

How do I know?

You all leave your curtains open at night.


Truly ghjr


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