Manuary, Pt. 1: Sitting On Your Balls

January 20, 2012

If there’s one thing that truly sucks about being a man, it’s the fact that women can put you in prison with three words.

“He raped me.”

It’s your words against hers,and I’ve got sour news for you.

You will lose.

Of course, the thing that holds the second place title, sitting precariously just behind the fact that any woman can send you to prison and curse you to years of the abominable act that she so heinously accused you of… is the pain of testicle mistreatment.

And while getting hit in the nuts with a basketball or a rubber duck is not pleasant in the least, one of the worst ball pains a man can experience is plopping down onto a hard chair without realizing that his balls are underneath him.

Now, some of you out their may be blessed with a scrotum that keeps the family jewels in so tight that they can’t slip underneath a leg and bring you down to size. The eggs never slip out of the basket, so how could they get crushed? Consider yourself lucky if that’s the case.

However, many men (myself include) have coin purses that stretch on for days, something that definitely comes in handy while giving someone the Goat, the Brain or the Batwing. Consequently, it also leaves the boys prone  to flop and flail helplessly in the undies and attempt to seek shelter between a leg and a chair.

Pair that with a loose fitting pair of boxer shorts or perhaps the ever-popular act of “free balling” and you’ve got yourself a disaster waiting to happen.

And believe me, if you have the fortune of never experiencing that shattering, burning whirlwind of pain, you really have no clue what you are missing.

You lucky ladies. You gents who are skinny in the sack.

You really don’t know what it’s like.

And I’m aware that ladies like to say that no pain can compare to childbirth, but you know something, they only have to go through childbirth once or twice in their lives unless their last name is Duggar.

We, on the other hand, have to be weary every minute of every day.

We have to be on the constant lookout for sack mishandling, self-imposed or otherwise.

Such is the life of a man.

But do you hear us complain, ladies?

Not a word.

Hell, the only reason we are talking about this now is because someone wanted to hear about it. If it hadn’t been submitted, I’d just continue my bleak existence of holding my sack tight and looking over my shoulder at every turn.

Not like you ladies that bring up childbirth and periods and high heels at every turn.

And you women always say that men are such big pansies.

Perhaps you need to take a look in the mirror (one in which you aren’t applying makeup) and sack the hell up.





This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Ashton Cutright for this one. It’s your fault that I had to write such a misogynistic post, and it’s your fault that MANUARY is happening.

Congrats. You must really hate women.


Truly ghjr


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