January 2, 2012

I am not totally sure if anyone important has ever said that dubstep is the music of the future.

I figure countless dubstep devotees have made the claim, though.

And if so, I would be willing to incant multiple, lengthy prayers to each and every god I can conjure in hopes that one (or more) of them would end the world before I finish this post, keeping us from suffering a horrible, dubstep-plagued existence in the barren, frozen wasteland filled with disc spinning neuromancers and mutant vinyl decks that scratch themselves with their multiple grotesque murder-limbs.


I hate dubstep that much.

To say dubstep is the future of music is like saying that Forever Lazy is the future of fashion, meaning I pray that it’s not true and the statement itself puts me into a murderous rage.

Now, as a musician (and yes, I still use the term loosely), I know I am supposed to be supportive of my fellow music makers and back them as they put their product (no matter how shitty) into the world for the listeners.

But, there is just something about dubstep that just sticks in my throat like the sharp, greasy hull of a movie popcorn kernel:

it all kind of sounds the same.

Yes, rock music sounds the same in that it almost always features guitars, bass, drums (usually a 4/4 “rock beat”, but not necessarily) and vocals. I get it.

And rap usually sounds the same in that it almost always features heavy beats, sampled tracks and, well… talking. I get that, too.

But, dubstep extends itself far past that line of familiarity, relatability and signature sound and wraps itself in a big, dusty blanket of formulaic.

Now, I like the proverbial “sick beat” just as much as the next sleep deprived bearded man with an arsenal of nerd shirts and an iPod jammed with nothing but not rap music. Of course, if it’s funky, I’m down. You know that.

But, dubstep sounds less think music (even in the John Cage sense) and more like a dying computer being raped by a Blendtec Blender.

Will this motherboard blend? That is the question.

As Tom shoves the guts of a CPU into his trusty, hungry Blendtec brand blender, he smiles with a sinister glee. We all know exactly what will happen next.

The button clicks.

As the blades tear through the wires and capacitors, a familiar (READ AS: boringly overused) sound blasts forth from the hellish twist of metal.

As the circuit boards are ground to dust and the heat from the turning blades melts solder into a satanic bend of black alloy, I recognize the sound.

Skrillex’s “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites.”

After minutes of the torturous grinding, Tom finally and mercifully stops the blender. Opening the lid, he cracks a smile and begins to recite his famous catchphrase.


And yes…

that is how I notate the sound of wobble bass.





This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks again to the sinister Brian Ornduff for bringing you this healthy dose of dubstep.

And don’t let him fool you. He’s not a fan, either.

He just likes to make me suffer.


Truly ghjr


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