Why A Football Is Not A Very Good Christmas Present

December 30, 2011

What started out as a comment on a social networking site about a glorious decades-long Hayhurst family Christmas tradition has been twisted against me and turned into a blog post by certain sinister citizens of the nefarious net.

Fair enough. I bring it all on myself.

For those of you who know me (and yes, I still hold out one shining ember of hope that there are people who read this blog for enjoyment, not just because they are my friends whom I have paid heftily to keep post views up), you know that I am not a football fan.

Yes, I’ve been to a couple of WVU games in my day. My dad and his brothers took me to one when I was five or six. A couple years later, they showed me Star Wars.

I think we know which of those two won.

Aside from that, my football experience extends to a Morgantown game to which my ex-girlfriend’s mother purchased a ticket for me so her daughter would have someone to go with her and countless lazy Sunday afternoons spent on my laptop in the family room while everyone else fussed and fought over the small ball and the bad calls.

I don’t like watching football. I really don’t like talking about football. I absolutely don’t like playing football.

Ergo, for me and anyone else out there with the slight misfortune of being like me, a football is not a very good Christmas present.

Also, for any nine-year-old with glasses who is wrapped completely up in a society-included bout of BB gun mania, a football isn’t a good choice.

Of course I had to go there. That’s the whole reason that this post happened.

Honestly, a football is not good for birthdays, graduations, weddings or any occasion.

That being said, if someone did buy me a football, I would accept it graciously and thank the giver heartily. Nothing drives me crazier than ungrateful people.

But you know, that doesn’t mean that some other kid may not want a football. I’m sure there are plenty who would love to have one so they could emulate their athletic role models.

That just means that I don’t want one.

Plus, I don’t have any athletic role models, another fact that I assume most of you already knew.

I realize I’m presenting you with quite a few ‘duh’ statements, with bear with me.

All in all, a football would probably make a great Christmas present to most any young boy who needed an excuse to roughhouse, any young girl who showed an interest in football or any rabid football fan in existence.

But, again, since I am none of those, I’ll just take my dice bags, deck holders and a couple bottles of Mountain Dew and slide on down the stairs to my friend’s parent’s basement for a few hours of dragon slaying in a dark dungeon.





This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Bethany Rosser for this one. I don’t know if she took me seriously or she is just a fan of “A Christmas Story” and wanted to see what I could do with this, but here it is.

Either way, she can put it promptly into her pipe and commence to smoke it.


Truly ghjr


2 Responses to “Why A Football Is Not A Very Good Christmas Present”

  1. Hehehehe, I can’t believe you actually wrote this. I must hence forth admit that you can indeed write 500 words about anything.

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