Herman Cain

December 12, 2011

I think you should sit down. I have some startling news.

I’m not a republican.

I know… it’s a big shock ::wink wink::

But, between dealing with my busy schedule recently and the fact that I can’t vote in the republican primary elections, I have not been following the string of debacles… er, um… debates that have taken place over the last month of so.

Maybe I’ve also been avoiding in hopes of hanging on to the tiny scraps of dignity and sanity that I have managed to hold onto thus far.

Frankly, with Rick Perry running around, praying for God to put out the fires in his state and double dose of Michel(l)es (Bachmann and Malkin) spewing some of the most heinous, nonsensical conservative crap ever, I don’t even know how the GOP is still even considered a sane platform.

When the man that wants to revert back to the gold standard is the most normal person in the debate, there is more than likely a problem.

Some would say that Ron Paul was the GOP’s last hope.

Yoda would say, “No. There is another.”

Another who knew two things for sure: 1. something about taxes, and 2. he loves his wife.

Herman Cain.

The man with the stolen tax plan.

You see, Cain touted his tax plan around town like it was the best thing since adultery… I mean, sliced bread.

He thought it was gold. It thought he hit it with a magic number.


He spewed the number like some sort of evangelical satanist preached about the mark of the Beast.

999 was everywhere.

Nine percent corporate income tax.

Nine percent personal income tax.

Nine percent federal sales tax.


Aside from the fact that it sounds like the hokiest car dealership gimmick possible, people thought it was simplistic and went with it.

In fact, it was so simple that the makers of SimCity employed it in their video game…

eight years ago.

Yep. He stole it from a video game.

So, maybe Herman doesn’t know much about taxes. But he definitely loves his wife.


except for the time when he was wrangling up sexual harassment allegations and allegedly cheating on his wife.

I have to say “allegedly.” I’m a journalist at heart, people.

So, for 13 years, Herman “allegedly” porked a close friend. He says that he just gave her money and helped her in a time of need.

I say he helped her with his penis, and I’m not the only one.

Either way, Herman dropped out of the race, leaving the GOP with the crazy Mormon and the crazy woman and the crazy Texan.

Oh, and Ron Paul.

It can’t go bad, right?

Plus, Herman is justified. He diddled a sexy, younger lady and got caught.

Sources say this is her "O face"

Well, maybe “young” and “sexy” don’t apply here.

So, Herman dropped the ball.

Oh, well.

Looks like Herman Cain and the GOP got screwed harder than Ginger did.




This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Ashton Cutright for the challenge.

I really didn’t know what Ginger White looked like until I posted this article. Why do men always pick ugly women to have affairs with?

Why not a model or something?

Come on, Herman. You could have done much better.

Truly ghjr


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