Crank 2: High Voltage

November 21, 2011

I hate Crank 2.

I hate Crank 2 so much that I contemplated copying and pasting the above sentence 125 times and signing my name at the bottom just so I didn’t have to relive the experience.

For a time, I considered Crank 2: High Voltage to be the worst movie that I have ever seen.

I can’t claim that anymore. Why?

Sucker Punch.

Regardless, thoughts of Crank 2 are enough to bring a fiery-hot font of hate-vomit from my intestines.

Seriously. I am having chest pains while writing this.

Now… I probably shouldn’t have gone to the midnight premiere. I really didn’t want to. Why did I go?

Miranda is very persuasive. She always been good at twisting my arm…

especially when she offers to pay for my ticket AND bribes me with some of my favorite treats: those delicious little peanut butter filled pretzel nuggets.

I love those things, and she knew it.

So, she bought my a tremendous tub of them and handed me a movie ticket.

Keep in mind that I have never seen the first Crank movie, and after the second one, there is almost no way that I would watch the first one. Ever.

So, she tricked me, and I raged throughout the entire movie.

I was angry for all 96 minutes.

And I don’t know which came first: my hatred for Crank 2, or my hatred for Jason Statham. I’m going to assume that whichever it was that lodged itself into the hate centers of my brain first had a pretty huge sway on my hatred of the other.

This is one of many cases in which my hatreds are not mutually exclusive.

What happened after the movie, you ask?

I’ll tell you, dear reader.

I was angry that I couldn’t speak.

I know it seems like a cliched thing to say, but I’m not at a loss for words much in my life.

Actually, ever.

I can always talk about something.

For those of you that know me personally (and almost all of you do), you know this to be true.

Unfortunately, my hatred caused me to lash out against those around me.

Months after the viewing, we were gathered outside the theatre after another movie. A friend hadn’t finished his popcorn and had smashed the bag into a dense ball and left it in the middle our circle of friends.

I heard him say something like “watch this.”

“Hey, Greg! Crank 2.”

I balled my fist angrily at him and kicked the tight bag of popcorn from the ground. My sandaled foot caught the balled-up bag in such a way that it sailed quickly across the parking lot, lodging itself hastily in the crotch of another friend.

He dropped straight to the ground.

After checking to see if he was alright, I extended a hand to help him up.

I apologized, not expecting anything like that to happen.

He accepted my apology (in a slightly higher voice).

We shared some popcorn.



This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Typically, I thank the person who proposed this challenge.

This time, it was the evil Brian Ornduff.

He receives no thanks from me.

Take a look back and count how many times I used some form of the word “hate.”

Did you count 10? I did.

2% of all words. That’s an understatement.

Truly ghjr


One Response to “Crank 2: High Voltage”

  1. Nathan Says:

    Lolz, I know how to press ur buttons at camp. “Hey, remember Maynard Keenans cameo in crank 2?”. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. U mad bro?

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