Zombies (Guest Piece by Marlon Brumage II)

October 31, 2011

I am not one to plan for the unlikely. I’m not thinking about the rapture. I’m not planning on any tax audits in the near future. But, for some reason, I have made mental plans for the zombie apocalypse.

Already I bet you’re about to call my bluff. But, I can guarantee that I mean business. With that being said, I am not ready to divulge my plans – ever! Why? The key to surviving is the mentality that it is every man for himself and I’m not helping your ass. Explaining my reason to fear the zombie apocalypse, however, I will indulge you.

In this world, when you die, you are supposed to stay dead. But, with zombies, that goes out the window. To me, there would be nothing more frightening or saddening than seeing my grandma lust after me as some undead, flesh hungry banshee. But, you can bet your left nipple that I’d beat her back to the Underworld with the thwack of my machete.

(That’s in my zombie plan, but that action should be quite logical! It should be in your plan, too. No emotions. Grandma must die again!)

When making my survival plan, the zombies themselves are the least of my concerns. On shows like The Walking Dead, the main danger is not the slow walking fart machines, it is the survivors you encounter that cause the most headaches.

I can’t establish a farm in the country to grow food. I can’t stockpile supplies in my basement. I can’t even light a fire without the noses of vile survivors smelling me out from miles around.

In the world of the living dead, I’d take the dead over the living any day. Why? Because the intention of the zombie is quite clear. It won’t befriend you and betray you. It will simply attempt to eat you. That will become the only universal constant in a world devoid of any form of society and structure. In other words, it is in zombies I trust. All others can chew on a shotgun barrel.

But, I will let you have that one.

The key to surviving is outsurviving the survivors. Don’t be afraid of popping one right between their eyes if needs be. That could be your friends I’m talking about or even your family. How you discern who can live and who can die, that will be up to you to decide. I’ve already said too much and will probably kick myself for this later on. But, on this subject, I am dead serious. If you were to cross me, you’d be seriously dead.

You can believe that, fool.

You may be laughing at me now, but I’ll be laughing at you when I drive by in my diesel Jeep as you’re being chewed in half by your high school girlfriend and her jock boyfriend…

Shit, did I write that down? Disregard the talk about the Jeep. I’ll be driving an unleaded only vehicle. UNLEADED ONLY!

Write that down.

Rev. Marlon Brumage II


This is not included in the 500 word limit.

I wanna thank Bossman Hayhurst for letting me write on zombies. Let me tell you, this thing is harder than it seems. All this time I was thinking, “Bah, this is gonna be easy!” But, I was caught with my size 13 in my mouth.

There is so much I can write on zombies and there are so many different posts I could make. The problem was figuring out where to start. I hope you all enjoyed it. Hopefully I’ll do this again sometime soon.

So until next time, keep your head up, your gun close and don’t try to take any of my supplies. Seriously


2 Responses to “Zombies (Guest Piece by Marlon Brumage II)”

  1. macmaddy Says:

    I just want to say that your blog is hilarious and I definitely enjoy reading it. Keep up the good stuff!

  2. ghjr Says:

    Thanks. I love finding new readers out there who enjoy what I do.

    Also, this post was from my buddy Leroy. He runs a more politically minded blog, but he’s in the process of switching over to a more movie/nerd-centric blog right now. Here’s a link to his old blog: http://thevanguardfollower.com/

    Again, thanks for reading, and feel free to submit an topics or challenges that you’d like to see 500 words on.

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