Nikola Tesla

September 23, 2011

I know a little about Nikola Tesla. Not much, but enough to know a bit about his life and a few of the amazing things he has done.

Frankly, I think most of the things I learned about him were made up and talked about in the movie “The Prestige.” I’m not really sure how accurate it was, but David Bowie as Tesla? I can get behind that completely.

Regardless, Tesla was probably the greatest inventor in history. Remember the guy that invented fire and the wheel? NO ONE DOES!

But Tesla? Good God! The man invented radio (not that hack Marconi), Tesla coils (naturally), bladeless turbines, electric cars and ROBOTS! TESLA INVENTED ROBOTS! (well, not in the “Futurama, running around and drinking” sense, but you get the idea.)

Some time in the late 1800’s, Tesla invented the induction motor, which was the first motor to run on alternating current (AC). Of course, this really pissed off that old stodgy bastard Thomas Edison, who was a huge proponent of the less efficient direct current (DC), which has always been inferior to AC but could run motors of every kind. Of course, AC could travel longer distances, and Edison went bankrupt. Score one for Tesla.

Soon after that, Tesla started to go totally insane. He dreamed of a world in which giant Tesla coils covered the land, generating free electricity that was then pumped into the Earth’s atmosphere and could be harnessed by any person on Earth.

For free. Sounds like ol’ Tesla was a pinko commie, right, Butch? I don’t care if he was, frankly. Free energy would probably push the world into the first stages of paradise. Before you know it, all the Africans would have free U.N. supplied water filtration systems that pumped non-stop, ceasing the rampant spread of AIDS throughout the world. No more AIDS. Thanks, Tesla. Score two for Tesla.

Now, although that future was completely and undeniable possible, Tesla wasn’t always thinking so peacefully. Tesla had been working on a number of weapons in his life. One of them was even referred to by Tesla was a ‘death-beam.’

It’s a simple idea, really. Create a death ray capable of destroying fleets of ships. I mean… he wanted to blow those things up 10,000 at a time.

From 250 miles away.

It could have stopped millions of soldiers dead in their tracks. The idea was that each country would have one, and no one would go to war.

Tesla… you are as stupid as you are brilliant. People suck, and they’ll kill each other no matter what. Ten points from Tesla.

Lastly, Tesla claimed to have invented a device that could calculate the resonant frequency of any object (READ AS: building), produce that frequency and rip the building to shreds. Colloquially, we call it the “earthquake machine.”

A couple of guys trashed the Twin Towers with 2 planes. Imagine what man could do with a machine that destroys buildings AND fits in his pocket. +5 internets to Tesla.




This is not included in the 500 word limit.

Thanks to Brian Ornduff for the challenges.

Thanks to Fairmont State University for the lack of sleep.

Thanks to Great Lakes Brewing Company for “Nosferatu.”

Without these three things, this post would not have been possible.


Truly ghjr.


2 Responses to “Nikola Tesla”

  1. Ah, if only I could have that attack Tesla coil I had always dreamed of having. Damned gubment would come in and steal it.

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