Why I Like “True Blood”.

September 5, 2011

For those of you that don’t know (and frankly, how couldn’t you?), True Blood is YET ANOTHER piece of crap TV show that capitalizes on the horrifyingly stupid well established vampire fad phenomenon.

I was introduced to the series not long ago by my lovely girlfriend who has terrible taste in movies and TV. Before we watched the first episode together, I had assumed correctly that True Blood was basically an adult version ofTwilight. However, upon viewing the first episode, I realized exactly how completely correct incorrect I had been. While both feature “vampires” of some sparkly sort, werewolves that change shape on command, people drinking blood, horrid affronts to Bram Stroker and the entire vampire mythos,  and various undead and fictional creatures fighting for the ‘love’ of a central female character, the differences between the two are TREMENDOUS! Here is well thought out and completely sarcastic sincere list of differences.

1. Twilight was based on a series of terrible books. Wait… so was True BloodScratch that one.

2. True Blood has so much more diversity in characters. I mean, there is one black guy. I guess the rest of the people are white, though. At least he is a main character, where as Twilight’s black guy is minor. Also, True Blood‘s black guy is gay. Score two for diversity.

3. The locations are different. True Blood takes place in a fake town in Louisiana, while Twilight happens in Forks, Washington. What’s wrong, Stephenie? Aren’t you creative enough to make up a city? I think not.

4. Um… True Blood is a TV show. Twilight is a movie. That’s a difference, right.

5. This is the most important. Since True Blood is an HBO original series geared towards the mentally handicapped adults, there has seldom been an episode without nudity. That’s right… True Blood has boobs.

LOTS of boobs. Seriously.

I suppose those are the only real differences between the two. True Blood is a grown-up Twilight with lots of cursing and sex. LOTS of sex. Seriously.

The subject matter is retarded dark. One season even included some sort of evil lady that controlled others and made them do bad things. Which season? Well, basically every season. However, it was a different women each time, and recycle ideas from earlier seasons helps to establish continuity within a series, right?

I mean, watching the same plot unfold season after season couldn’t possibly become boring, right? It just makes the series more interesting because the viewers will know exactly what will happen and not be surprised at all. It’s just like all the Twilight fans lining up around the block to see something that they have already read. It wouldn’t be monotonous, repetitive, or boring at all.

Lastly, I would like to commend the writers of True Blood for continuing Walt Disney’s tradition of giving women everywhere severely inflated mental pictures of love and what it means to be a true man. You have made things easy for men everywhere.



This is not included in the 500 word limit.

I just wanted to rub this one in Lisa Hostuttler’s face. 500 words on why I like ANYTHING that I truly hate is not as big a challenge as you thought.

And to think, I did this while suffering through the tight grip of a sinus infection. Imagine what will happen next time, when I am 100%.

Also, please submit ideas for my next 500 word piece. Without your ideas, I have nothing to write.

Truly ghjr.


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